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Shopping With The Wife

hoozone / iStock / thinkstock.com

hoozone / iStock / thinkstock.com

So, The Wife wants to go shopping, oh joy. The problem is she wants me to go with her. It’s one thing if we’re going to the grocery store, I like groceries. I like grocery shopping, especially at Costco where I can have lunch as I shop. I love when they offer those free samples on every aisle. I just wish they would organize it better so I can sample the ice-cream AFTER the Orange chicken, though…. Now that I’m hungry, where was I?

She wants us to get new “Outfits” for our upcoming vacation. For one, men don’t wear “Outfits.” Men may wear a pair of pants (actually, why is it called a pair when there’s just one?) and a shirt. We might coordinate with the same white tennies we wear everyday, but it is not an “Outfit.”
To me, the clothes I’m wearing here and now are prefectly good enough for there and next week, but every time we go on vacation she wants a new “Outfit.” I can understand when your clothes no longer fit you, but since the Kid is all grown up and is now the Young Adult, I’m the only one still growing in this family.

So off we head to the mall. Besides the new outfit, she also wants, excuse me, NEEDS a couple new swim suits. Now, every time we go near a beach, she wants, excuse me, NEEDS a couple new swim suits. I don’t get it, I mean, she looks great in anything she puts on (that’s in case she ever starts reading my stuff), but since we live in Colorado, other than an occasional hot-tub, the only time these suits ever see water is when they get to fly with us to the coast every few years.

Unless you’re growing like me, why do you need new ones? I say this because of the price. These stores definitely follow the principle, “Less is more.” The tinier the bikini, the bigger the price; I bet swimsuits in Afghanistan are cheap. Now, I have to admit, there are worse places to hang out than a bikini shop: Bed, Bath and Beyond for example….
Now it’s my turn. I need some fancy shorts for the resort living we’re about to experience. Cutoffs are off the table and cargo shorts are just not dressy enough. She picks out a few shorts and I dutifully head to the dressing room where I’m expected to parade out the door in every single pair. You know they never put mirrors in those rooms just so we have to parade out just like when we were kids and our Moms used to embarrass us so.

“Here, try on this top,” she says.

“It’s not a top it’s a shirt, dammit.”

The she decides I need new shoes to complete my outfit. You can imagine how I responded. I love my tennis shoes and draw the line at new shoes.

Therefore, the new shoes look great with my outfit.

After exiting the mall she said, “Why don’t we drop in here?” Wouldn’t you know it, It was a Bed, Bath and Beyond and the screeching tune from the movie Psycho immediately started up in my head. I tried to explain to her, not only could I lose my Man card if seen entering, but it smells funny in there: all candles and soap and stuff.

She tried to bribe me with pillows, you know, ones I can actually use. I was ready for this attack, as I, unbeknownst to her, already ordered some pillows online from Downlinens. We have something like seventeen pillows on the bed but I’m only allowed to sleep with one. I fixed that and they’ll be delivered to my doorstep any day now.

That tact didn’t work though as she wanted, no NEEDED, to get a fluffy cover for the toilet tank, top, and seat cover. Yes, you read that right; even my toilet gets a new outfit.

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