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How to Fold a Fitted Sheet (and Other Tricks You Can Never Teach a Man)

Monkey Business /

Monkey Business /

Little did I realize that The Wife has actually been training me all these years. That doesn’t mean she’s been successful, but the fact that she’s tried means she cares; at least that’s what she tells me.

She’s been trying to teach me that there is more to cooking than grilling burgers and making Hamburger Helper. I’ve been told not to add so much salt, to lay off the jalapeño peppers and turn the burners down so I don’t burn stuff so often. She’s tried to teach me how to make things from scratch (I thought that’s what cooking with Hamburger Helper was) and how to subtly use spices. She has corrected my methods so many times I get confused and befuddled, frustrated and angry.

Lesson Learned: The number for Pizza Hut is 832-3307.

I used to claim that I vacuumed all the time. Then one day The Wife and kid called my bluff and told me to show them how I did it. Well, just because I had a mental block and couldn’t find the on/off switch, they think they won that one. I now try to fire that confounded contraption up at least once a week just to show I care. I don’t move furniture around to vacuum but I do fire it up.

Lesson learned: Always make sure to leave the vacuum tracks in the hallway so they know I remembered how to turn it on.

I never understood why we have a dishwasher if I have to wash the dishes before loading the darn thing. I still try to get by without that preparatory step but usually get busted if she unloads the dishwasher.

Lesson learned: I now unload the dishwasher.

When I was a bachelor I just threw everything into the washer no matter what the color; life was so much easier then. Now I have to separate whites from colors and darks from lights; it gets so confusing. Okay, I guess I can handle that, but being color-blind (way more men are than you may think) means that if I do the laundry, anything close to white will be completely white after I add the bleach she also taught me all about.

Lesson learned: There is no longer and never shall again be anything pink in my house.

Folding Laundry
I’ve finally learned that she doesn’t like her socks tied in a knot, she prefers her slacks, dresses, and blouses hung up, and the linens belong in the linen closet.

Lesson Learned: Laundry will keep indefinitely in the dryer and if left long enough, will eventually get miraculously folded and put away.

Cleaning the Bathroom
You mean it’s not self-cleaning?

Lesson learned: Don’t be a smart-aleck.

Folding that Fitted Sheet
Okay, here’s what she taught me. Place one hand in each of the corners of the shorter end of the sheet. Bring your hands together and the fold the corner of one end over the other. Then reach down, pick up the corner hanging in front, bring it up and fold it over the previously covered corners. Bring the last corner up and fold it over the others, then lay it down, straighten it up and fold into a rectangle.

Lesson Learned: Grab two ends and roll up like a basketball. Then toss in the linen closet for two points.

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