The secret to being the perfect guest be it at a friend’s ski condo, your buddy’s beach house, or a relative’s place is to not act in any way like you do at home; at least that’s what The Wife tells me.
Who Invited Whom?
Women are notorious for making plans without letting us men in on it. I know I never have much say in anything anyway but is it too much to ask to at least pretend I have a choice? The first trip The Wife and I took together was to visit her childhood friend in Florida. I had spent time with her friend, but had just met her friend’s husband in passing. I was worried about visiting another man’s abode without his knowledge as if he had any say in it either. To make a long story short, we became best buds and brothers in arms when we realized we both are in the same boat.
Drinks are on You
Anytime you visit anyone, bring liquor. Even if they don’t drink–or especially if they don’t drink–because then, thanks to you, they now do! Bring a bottle of wine, a case of beer, or whatever liquor your host prefers. If it doesn’t get drunk, then that means you probably shouldn’t either. Consider the gift a pre-emptive strike to make up for all the wrong things you’re about to do and screw up.
Do Not Make Yourself at Home
You women out there may not know this but, when you are not around, we men tend to relax; maybe a bit more than you think. Not to give too many man-secrets away but when left alone: we poop with the door open, walk around in our underwear, and pretty much keep our hand inside our pants as much as possible, despite how many pockets it might have. We spit in the sink, drink out of the carton, and did I mention the hand in the pants thing? Okay, I probably just lost my Man-card for telling our secrets, but it’s all true. I’m just divulging these facts so you understand why we snicker when your friend says “Make yourselves at home.”
A Man’s Gotta Eat
Scrounging through their fridge for a midnight snack is a big no-no. This is just another of the many reasons we hate to visit anyone. I have one friend who travels with bags of beef jerky, just to always have munchies on hand. If you’re staying at a ski condo you’ll probably be eating in a lot so plan on making at last one meal. Not everyone craves my Hamburger Helper Extraordinaire so maybe you should put a bit more thought into what you’re making. If you can’t or won’t cook, take your hosts out to dinner–Wendy’s does not count–make it a sit-down at least. If you’re out for dinner, pick up the tab; if you’re eating in, do the dishes. You may not do them at home but not only will you get invited back; your Wife’s friend will think you’re a catch. What she doesn’t know will help you.
Conversing Well With Others
Subjects to avoid: religion, sex, money, politics, your host’s lousy sports teams or your successful sports teams. Pretty much keep your mouth shut and just smile and nod. This is advice I really should follow more at home as well.
Keep it Clean
Don’t trash the place. Make up the bed every day, yeah I know, even if you don’t do it at home, and keep the guest room reasonably clean. Now I know this is a relative term and my idea of clean differs from the Wife’s, but I defer to her in this instance. If you’re in the ski condo, keep your boots, hats, gloves and all your other gear together and not laying all over the condo. If you’re at the beach house, don’t just throw you wet trunks on the floor, and if you’re at a relative’s, well who cares: they’re family.
Timing is Everything
Experts say three days is the max for a visit, but I’ve obviously never had an expert drop into my place. Three days is fun, four gets tiring and five is just ridiculous. I love my friends, my family and even some of The Wife’s friends and family, but after five days, I’m drinking out of the carton and reclining with my hands in my pants.
